


Tales of a poor wife

by Siwoowrites (Shiokami)



Series: Hamilbang: A Joseon Period drama [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Historical, Anger, Angry Kim Taehyung | V, Cheating Kim Namjoon | RM, Established Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin, F/M, Family, Family Issues, Female Kim Seokjin | Jin, Female Kim Taehyung | V, Fire, Gen, Historical Inaccuracy, Hoseok as Maria, Hurt, Hurt Jeon Jungkook, Hurt Kim Seokjin | Jin, Infidelity, Inspired by Hamilton, Jungkook as Philip, Kim Namjoon | RM Being an Idiot, Letters, Love Letters, Mentioned Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Mentioned Min Yoongi | Suga, Namjoon as Hamilton, One-Sided Attraction, Parents Kim Namjoon | RM & Kim Seokjin | Jin, Past Infidelity, Regretful Kim Namjoon, Sad Kim Seokjin | Jin, Scandal, Seokjin as Eliza, Sisters, Songfic, Stupidity, Taehyung as Angelica, Very Implied, Yoongi as James
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25442542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shiokami/pseuds/Siwoowrites
Summary: Taehee’s here to tell Namjoon he just invented a new kind of stupid. And that she definitely did not sail all the way from Edo for him.Meanwhile, Seojin watches her marriage go up in smoke and reflects on its ashes.A fic inspired by "Congratulations" and "(First) Burn" in my Bangtan meets Hamilton series - Hamilbang: A Joseon period drama.
Relationships: Kim Namjoon | RM & Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin
Series: Hamilbang: A Joseon Period drama [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1818067
Comments: 9
Kudos: 13





	1. Congratulations

**Author's Note:**

> This work © under Siwoowrites. Please do not distribute, copy or translate this without explicit permission. Crossposting of this work on any other platform is not allowed even if credit has been given. I only post on Archive of Our Own under Siwoowrites(Shiokami) and on Twitter under @siwoowrites. The writing done here is my original work and any similarities it bears to any other work is a coincidence. I acknowledge that I may have taken unconscious inspiration from other BTS works, if you find that the resemblance to another work may be too similar, please feel free to let me know.
> 
> While this work portrays the BTS members as characters, it is fictional and their characterization here does not reflect, by any means, how the members actually are and how they relate to each other.

She finds him in his study, writing as if he didn’t just stab himself with his own pen. The palace has been talking about it since she walked off the vessel that brought her to Joseon. Her presence makes them talk even louder as she walks towards the Kim quarters. She was here for someone else but she had to see the cause of this whole disaster first. Dismissing the servants from announcing her arrival, she makes her way to where he retreats. He looks up from where he’s sitting at his desk when she opens the door.

“Taehee” 

He gets up, walking towards her in greeting. There’s surprise and even relief in his expression that makes Taehee’s inside simmer with something unpleasant. She keeps one hand tucked behind her back, fist clutching to the wretched pamphlet of his authorship. But she pastes on her usual boxy smile, her voice low and sweet as usual.

“Namjoon-oppa”

As he approaches to embrace her, she pushes the papers against his chest, letting her expression twist to show what she truly feels. Her voice dripping in honey and laced with sarcasm.

“Congratulations.”

He stops dead in his tracks and she brushes past him, ready to say everything she’s been wanting to tell him since she boarded the ship from Edo.

“There are many kinds of fools and idiots in this world but you just managed to invent a whole new type of stupidity, dear brother-in-law. Let’s review, shall we?”

_You know I never knew Minister Kim would do such things before I read this?_

_He’s awfully outspoken and writes like a madman but I never thought that he would speak out thinking we suspected him of taking from the treasury._

_The king puts an awful lot on that man and he was never the type to want for wealth. Perhaps Minister Lee and Minister Park provoked him?_

_Still, it’s perfectly alright to entertain a gisaeng, I just don’t understand why he would need to be so public about it?_

_I pity his wife._

“You wrote this.” Taehee gestures to the papers now scattered on the floor. “On the basis of a mere rumour, _one of the many_ in the constant stream of gossip circulating in the court, and brought to light an affair of which _no one condemned you of._ Unnie and I begged you to go North with us for the summer season, you declined to go.”

_“I fear I cannot join you at your father’s Northern estate.”_

_“Namjoon-oppa, I crossed the sea to be here.”_

_“It’s quite a long trip from Edo to Joseon” Seojin nods, eyes pleading for him to reconsider._

_“Please leave your work for once and join us, Namjoon-oppa.”_

_“It’s the first time Jungkook gets to see father’s Northern estate.”_

_“And our father would be so pleased with your company, Oppa.”_

_“I really do want to show you that lake in the moonlight, my darling, it’s so lovely.”_

_“And it’s been so long since I’ve come back to Joseon.”_

_Namjoon just shakes his head._

_“I must finish it before the season is over. I won’t rest until I provide the Council fully with my duties as minister.”_

Taehee left the _“this would not have occurred if you had gone with us”_ unspoken between them.

“And you’re so _fearful._ ” She spat out. “So terribly beside yourself of what those who oppose you might do. Yet it is your own opposition, your own weapon that wounds you.”

She draws closer, murmuring it hatefully into his ear.

“Do you know why Park and Lee can accomplish what they wish to? It’s because they chose to not dignify such petty taunts with a response.”

And she pulls away, the bare minimum of what she wanted to say was said, making her way back to the door so that she might see herself out. Someone else needed her far more than him.

“So yes, congratulations.” 

There’s venom in the way she pronounces the words. The man merely repeats her name, almost as if expecting an apology she will never give.

“Taehee.”

“You’ve rewritten your legacy completely, Namjoon.” Saying his name without the honorifics felt like a small victory in itself. 

“Congratulations” 

She said once more, reaching the doorway and about to leave the room.

_“It was an act of political sacrifice!”_

That stops her, pausing at the doorway. Memories long ago of her besotted teenage self staring at Namjoon who only had eyes for her sister, resplendent in her marriage garb. Of marrying herself to a man from across the sea for a political alliance. Just so that Seojin, her sweet, kind unnie who practically raised her and the rest of their young siblings after their mother’s death, could have the love she deserved. 

_“Sacrifice?”_

She’s turning around, walking away from the doorway. And she’s looking at Namjoon, searching his eyes for meaning. Sacrifice, he says. Publicly making known an affair was a _political sacrifice._ Did he only think of his own reputation as a government official? Wrote all these pages, so many pages for _himself?_ Taehee didn’t know whether to laugh at the absurdity or cry at the utter insensitivity. 

_______

_“Father, you can’t call off Unnie’s engagement.” Taehee barges into the room, startling the old man who looks at her, then at the letter she’s holding before sighing deeply._

_“Taehee-ah, I asked you to have the servants bring the letters to me. I certainly didn’t ask you to read through them first and decide to bring them yourself.”_

_“You can’t call off Unnie’s engagement.” She repeats herself instead of answering him._

_“It’s a matter of politics. The daimyo and I have an agreement. I could have had to compensate for it with resources but instead he is merely interested in a wife for one of his sons.”_

_“You have more than one daughter.”_

_“Seojin is the eldest and although her future spouse as of right now pulls weight within the court. He lacks the right sort of bloodline. A marriage to the daimyo’s son will be equal in power and prestige for our family. As you have pointed out, Taehee-ah, I do have more than one daughter and I’d like to think that Minister Kim would be just as satisfied with your hand in marriage in return for Seojin’s engagement to the daimyo’s son.”_

_He could be yours. A traitorous voice at the back of Taehee’s head speaks up. Agree to this, walk away, let your father do what he wants and you could be the Minister’s wife. Just as you wished to be. You’ll finally be satisfied._

_But Taehee, first and foremost, is a sister before she is a woman. And she will never be satisfied, living as the Minister’s wife while her sister gets shuttled off to a loveless political marriage._

_“The letter didn’t specify that the daimyo wanted his son to marry Seojin. Don’t call off her engagement, it would take up far too much work on paper. I’ll be glad and willing to marry his son.”_

_______

“ _Tell me_ what is your sacrifice, Namjoon? I wasted away in Edo, counting the days until the courier came with letters. Now I’m here wondering why we chose to live our lives this way and what fruit did we yield from it.” She laughs ruefully. “But wondering won’t take it back, you know? 

Perhaps she should have held her tongue, walked away and spared her sister from the man who would commit so-called sacrifices at the expense of her heart, at the expense of the family that she gave him, the path she opened up and let him walk through. An affair in a loveless marriage is far easier to bear than watching the one who you loved, who professed their love to you alone, make everyone aware of their affair. Maybe Seojin would have been safer in the bonds of a political union rather than willingly tethering her heart to one driven by ambition. However, time only moves forward and does not rewind itself. It is fruitless now.

“Wondering won’t tug you away when you fell into the arms of that whore. It won’t rewrite your pamphlet. It won’t reverse my marriage or yours, erase my decisions and your _stupid mistakes!”_

Taehee’s standing close enough for him to feel her breathing, chest heaving, the way her eyes grow wider as she speaks. And in a softer voice, she says. “ Did you know that I’ve obtained permission from my father-in-law to stay in Joseon indefinitely?” 

She scoffs as his expression changes. “It’s not for your sake, Namjoon. I must have underestimated your stupidity if you think I’d cross the ocean to stand by your side.”

“Taehee-ah.” 

Namjoon’s reaching for her, apologizing without using his words for once. And maybe, in another lifetime or a past that’s far away, she would have allowed it. But not today.

“I _didn’t_ come all the way _for you_ , Namjoon.”

_______

_The dimpled one, Taehee called him in her head. A lowborn but a favorite of the king, assures to be one of the next high ministers in the council. Charming, well-spoken and just as intelligent as they say he is. They’re the same sort of person, Taehee realizes. Driven by ambition to achieve more than what their status says they’re capable of._

_Kim Namjoon is what she wants. She thinks after their brief conversation. A match in wit, her key to live as an influential council wife while she provides him with the necessary step to compensate for his current station. Although even with the favor of the king which changes with the seasons, Kim Namjoon is not exactly from the right family that ladies of Taehee’s caliber married into. And as a daughter, it is the first rule that one’s most filial duty is through marriage. Subsequently followed by the bearing of sons._

_All things aside, Taehee finds that she wouldn’t mind bearing Kim Namjoon’s sons. Or daughters. And despite their difference in years, she’ll be of proper marriageable age soon enough._

_“There you are, Taehee-ah. I’ve been looking for you.” And the girl smiles even brighter because who better to tell first than her most favorite person in the world._

_If she’s known as the jewel of the highborn Gwacheon Kim family, Seojin is the flower, the blossom whose sweetness beckons unsuspecting men to become her suitors. And they both have many suitors._

_“Unnie.”_

_She makes her voice a little whiny just because she knows Seojin will smile at her, vibrant and enchanting to almost anyone who’s met with it. And her older sister will smooth her hair and poking at her cheeks when she pouts. Seojin just pouts back with pink, plump lips and fusses._

_“Aigoo. Is my little sister bored with the company of all these men or has she seen something she likes?” And Seojin smiles again, pure and bright. “I saw you speaking with one of them. Kim Namjoon right? The one who everyone says will be one of the next high ministers?”_

_Then her smile turns just a little besotted. “I understand now why the king favors such a man. They may look down on him for being of low birth but his speech is that of a scholarly poet and his face is that of a prince.”_

_Taehee speaks before she thinks, tone cheeky. “Unnie, is my dear sister perhaps affected by his charms?” To Seojin’s eyes, Taehee is playful but she doesn’t know of the battle her younger sister is fighting with her heart._

_______

For a moment, Taehee’s just a girl again, taking her older sister by the hand and introducing her to the man who’s stirred something in her good and giving heart. But just for a moment. Because Taehee is a woman now, a married woman, the spouse of the third son of the daimyo of Edo, a noble lady in her own right. Still she was a sister before she was a woman.

“ Since my own birth, I’ve learned of Seojin-unnie’s heart. There is no one who has a heart like hers. Did you know that, Namjoon? Many seasons ago, I had a sister. A sister whose beauty was not only in the sight of her face but woven into the threads of her soul. ” Her beloved Seojin, Taehee thought, who is so giving even to those who do not deserve her loving heart. “Many seasons ago, I was only a girl, just leaving my childhood and still thinking of the world as something I could fit in the palm of my hand. I was only learning of the world of men and I despised it.” Taehee looked pointedly at Namjoon when she spoke the next words.

“Except for one.” 

It’s an affection that’s buried deep into the letter they exchange with each other. The most miniscule taste of what could have been but what will never be. It will never be because Taehee and Namjoon are bound by different strings that were never destined to intertwine as Taehee might have wished when she was young. 

“But he was never mine. Do you know why? Because many seasons ago, I had a sister whose smile could make the flowers bloom. And she smiled that day because she met a man. And she tells me that she understands why the king favors him. Because the court may look down on him for being of low birth _but his speech is that of a scholarly poet and his face is that of a prince._ He was _never mine_ because while I may be willing to give my heart to him, she already gave him hers.”

_______

_“Unnie?”_

_Taehee’s just 5 when it happens. And there’s sadness but she realizes something that she’ll keep with her forever._

_“What’s the matter Taehee-ah?” Seojin looks up from where she’s crouched over, watching over the little ones while the servants help prepare for the burial ceremony._

_“Why did Eomma leave?”_

_Because they say that Taehee is bright for her age but she can only understand that their mother was with them yesterday and today, she won’t be with them anymore. Ever again. She watches as her older sister’s face scrunches up a bit like how the babies do when they’re upset. And then Seojin smiles at her and stretches her arms out._

_“Oh Tae, come here.”_

_So she comes and sits next to her sister by the big window in the nursery. And once she’s seated, Seojin keeps one arm up and points out the window._

_“Eomma had to go up there.”_

_“To the sky?”_

_“Mhmm. You’re so smart, Tae. Yes, Eomma had to go to the sky.”_

_“So why can’t she come back and visit us?”_

_“Because we all come from the sky and come down here. And when the gods decide, we go back to the sky and live there. So Eomma can’t visit us but we’ll go to her someday.”_

_“Then...why didn’t the gods ask us to come with her?’_

_“Because it isn’t our turn yet. You have to wait your turn before you get to go up there, Tae.”_

_“That’s not fair, I want to be with Eomma. I bet Appa wants to be with her too.”_

_“Father’s just sad that it was her turn first.”_

_And that makes sense to little Taehee. So she just hugs Seojin closer because she isn’t sure now why she feels sad. If Eomma’s happy up there in the sky, why was she still feeling sad?_

_“Unnie?”_

_“Yes Tae?”_

_“Appa promised that Eomma and him are here to take care of us. And that they help each other take care of us. Who’s gonna take care of us now?”_

_“Well I am.” Seojin tells her without even missing a beat. “Your Unnie is old enough to take care of you, don’t you think?”_

_“Waaah, okay Unnie.” And Taehee feels a little less sad. And it’s quiet for a little while before Taehee speaks again._

_“You’ll take good care of us, Unnie?”_

_“I will, Taehee. Unnie promises.”_

_______

  
  


There are tears of regret running down Namjoon’s face. As they should be. And Taehee can feel tears of her own streaking down her cheeks as she declares it to him.

_“I love my sister more than anything in this life._ And I will gladly choose Unnie’s happiness over mine every single time. Because she’s the best older sister I could have asked for, you don’t know how much we owe to her. How much I owe to her.”

Her sweet sister who traded her childhood away to take the place of their mother. When she, just like them, also lost a mother. Something Taehee only realized once she had grown. Sacrifice. Did Namjoon really call this blasted pamphlet a sacrifice? He went around, words placing more and more targets on his back, not even realizing that he was a husband and a father now, not just a man. That Seojin bore the brunt of it if only to shield Jungkook from the wagging tongues of the court.

“Seojin-unnie-”

“Seojin.” Namjoon parrots her, speaking numbly.

_“-is the best thing in our lives. So never lose sight of the fact that you have been blessed with the best wife.”_

Taehee says sharply despite the tears that continue to flow and don’t seem to stop. Namjoon’s face is a fine mess of sorrow and regret, just as she wanted it to be. Because she wanted him to use that so-called intelligence to think over once again exactly what he’s done. Seojin deserves better than this and now they both know it. The world was unkind but Seojin could have lived a gentler life than the one she was thrust into. Namjoon was capable of giving her that but instead he listened to his own pride, his own selfishness and forgot what he had and what he was given. And he forgot who exactly gets hurt when he puts words where they’re not meant to be.

“Congratulations.” Her words are frigid. “For the _rest of your life,_ every **_sacrifice_** you make is _for my sister,_ give her the _best life.”_

Finally she returns to the doorway, head held high. She’s done what she came to do even if it took much longer than expected. And now she’s going to be with the person that she came all the way to Joseon for. And she’s glad that Namjoon knows, very clearly, that it definitely isn’t him.

Namjoon is silent as she reaches for the door. He’s silent when she opens it. And he stays just as silent when she begins to make her way out. But Taehee just can’t resist driving the point home so right before she closes the door, she lets her head turn. And just one more time does she repeat herself, taking the last word between them.

“Congratulations.”

The door shuts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got around to writing the third installment. Brace yourself for a lot of anger, angst and some historical inaccuracy. If you aren't familiar with "Congratulations" it's a song that got cut from the Hamilton musical and instead, a few lines were inserted into "The Reynolds Pamphlet". There's a lovely animatic of the song by Ziksua on YouTube if you want to check it out. You can skip the first minute of the vid to get straight into the song.
> 
> My writing progress these days has gotten a little slower but as always, I'm really looking forward to your thoughts on this. It always takes less time for a reader to leave a kudos or a comment than it does for a writer to write a fic. Pls support your fanfic writers! Thank you!


	2. Don't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work © under Siwoowrites. Please do not distribute, copy or translate this without explicit permission. Crossposting of this work on any other platform is not allowed even if credit has been given. I only post on Archive of Our Own under Siwoowrites(Shiokami) and on Twitter under @siwoowrites. The writing done here is my original work and any similarities it bears to any other work is a coincidence. I acknowledge that I may have taken unconscious inspiration from other BTS works, if you find that the resemblance to another work may be too similar, please feel free to let me know.
> 
> While this work portrays the BTS members as characters, it is fictional and their characterization here does not reflect, by any means, how the members actually are and how they relate to each other.

The old scholars used to say,

_ Pity the dreamer for the most vengeful spirits plague us in our sleep _

Seojin’s standing in front of him, pale and beautiful and sad. She looks almost ghostly, wearing a hanbok he remembered from their early days of courting. It’s teal, intricate white embroidery woven through some parts of the sleeves and blouse. A flowing skirt in a lighter shade of blue cinches at her waist, hair done in a low chignon, pinned with a delicate white beaded ornament. Speaking of their youth, of sweet memories that have been swept away by the motions of the sun setting and rising, day after day.

It’s her eyes that arrest him, tears threatening to fall, glossing over her lashes. All he can do is stand in front of her and say nothing because what is there to say? He won’t speak, it was his words that destroyed them in the first place. Namjoon finds that he  _ cannot speak,  _ his mouth unable to move as he wishes, keeping him silent.

So Seojin speaks, her hands crumpled around one of the papers that is now scattered all over the palace.

_ I saved every letter you wrote me. _

And Namjoon knows that. He knows that each and every letter is folded and tucked neatly into a little gilded box she keeps in the room where they lay to sleep. Sweet professions when he was not Minister Kim but simply Kim Namjoon of the Gangneung Kim clan, a man of noble birth but low station, a rising power in the court due to the favor of the king. Pages and pages that she would read over and over again back when she was still Seojin, flower of the esteemed Gwacheon clan and eldest daughter to one of the wealthiest nobles in court.

_ From the moment I saw you _

Everyone and their mother said that she’d be married off to a noble of equal prestige, perhaps even one of the king’s sons. But beautiful, charming Kim Seojin instead fell for one of the noblemen who had been invited to come to court. They say that if it was not for his favor with the king, Lord Kim would not have approved of his daughter’s marriage.

Namjoon’s watching it now, the memory coming alive before him.

_ “Kim Seojin.”  _

_ She bows, skirt rustling and lifting her head only for Namjoon to see a sweet smile on plump lips and lovely almond eyes. He turns to the girl beside him with a question. _

_ “Kim?” _

_ There were many Kim clans, all of various stations. Taehee just nods. _

_ “My sister.” _

_ “I should thank you for the great service you’ve done for our beloved king”  _

_ Seojin says, so earnest that it tugs a bit on his heart strings. They call her a flower and Namjoon can see why. There’s something about her that’s refreshing and inviting, something that beckons him. He’s reaching to take her hand into his before he can think about it. _

_ “If it is my duty to the king that allows for us to meet, I can say that I have reaped the fruits of my service.” _

_ I knew  _ you were mine

He remembers those times. Year of innocence in love, of sitting as a strategist for the king’s army, planning battles by day and sitting down at night to write letters to his fiancee. Messages to be taken by the couriers back to the capital the next morning. They were bright-eyed and saw the world for something far better than what it had to offer them. And she would write back, he’d spend hours in his tent pouring over her delicate calligraphy, reading it over and over until he had her words memorized in his heart. It aided him in getting through the days spent out, watching the battlefield grow red with spilled blood.

_ You said _ you were mine

So many promises. Of love. Of fidelity. Of the gentle life they would live once the war was done and he finally returned to her. Finally ascended into the position that was promised to him. He’d be a minister and they’d live comfortably in the palace, raising their children within its gilded walls. They’d want for nothing, he’d tell her.  _ My dearest Seojin, my lovely flower, the blossom that lets me live in an eternal spring day, I swear to you that the very first thing I desire to do once I return is to wed you and live out the rest of my days as your husband... _

_ I thought _ you were mine

So many  _ broken promises.  _ He returns, they wed, he becomes minister and they raise Jungkook within the palace walls. Many would say it is a blessed life but Namjoon finds that the enemy within the court is a much wilier foe than the one he’s faced in the battlefield. Sleepless nights and days of chasing time with only a pen in his hand. Days upon days where Seojin would request at least a fraction of his time that he would not give. That he thought he could not give. Because Namjoon liked to think that he was a minster to the king first before he was a husband to his wife and a father to his son.

He’s reaching for her. Hand lifted up to her face to thumb away the tears that won’t stop flowing. She used to tilt her head, reach up to take the hand cupping her cheek into her own. Seojin reaches up now, only her face is neither soft nor loving. Her hands only push his own away, placing them back at his side and she walks past him, face twisted in an emotion between grief and agony. And then she stops, turning her head to the side and sparing him another tear-filled glance. Seojin speaks to him again. 

_ Do you know what Taehee said, when I told her what you’d done? _

And his sister in law seemingly materializes from thin air, looking as young as the day he met her. Met both of them. That day was long gone, the fluttering joy replaced by bitter woe. Because Taehee’s gaze is the same as the one she gave him earlier. The same fiery passion that drew him in only burns him now. It scorches him in his wretchedness, in his own hubris that has become his fatal flaw. The fire is coming close but he cannot move, cannot speak. He can only watch and beg for a mercy that he knows he probably does not deserve. Taehee looks at him scornfully, her voice echoing through the empty space they stand in.

_ “You have married a Kuafu*, he has been fruitlessly chasing the sun.” _

Before the flames begin to lick at him, she’s gone but Seojin is still here. Walking away from her but she’s still here. And his feet begin to move, trying to take him away from the fire. He can feel how it burns now, and he’s chasing after her. Trying to reach her, mouth moving but no words escape from it. Namjoon fears many things and to be mute, to be without words is one of his greatest anxieties in life. And when she’s within reach, Seojin whirls around, widening the distance between them.

_ Don’t, take another step in my direction.  _

_ I...can’t be trusted around you. _

_ Don’t. Think you can talk your way _

_ Into my arms. Into my arms. _

His words have become the sword that he has fallen on. Namjoon raises his weapon only to run himself through when he does. And Seojin’s smiling at him, sweet, too sweet and bowing just like she did when they first met. He wants to tell her not to because he promised her on that day that she’d never need to bow to him again. That he would honor her in their courting and honor her in their marriage. So many broken vows as she raises her head and Namjoon sees that pain in the way she forces her lips to turn up.

_ I’m burning the letters you wrote me _

_ You can stand over there if you want _

There’s another Seojin standing there. One that he’s more familiar with these days. She’s the Seojin who welcomes him back to their quarters when he returns. Hair pulled up tighter, sleek with a single simple ornament. Muted tones, her blouse a smoky blue color, embroidered with the orange flowers that bloom just before the first frost of the season, the skirt, a darker shade. She’s holding an open lantern, the flame of the candle inside casting shadows over her face. Her eyes are empty, almost if they’re staring right through him. Her voice is colorless. None of the warmth that used to wash over him when he walked through the doors of their home after long hours in the council room.

_ I don’t know who you are _

_ I have so much to learn _

And he’s rooted, unable to move as she draws closer to the gilded box. Years and years of writing destined to become ashes just like what they had between them. The lantern flickers and Namjoon swears that it glows brighter as she comes nearer. He can only watch as she opens the box with a click, echoing. And the way she so carefully reaches in and pulls out bunches of papers full of his calligraphy stings him. But she won’t look at him, she sets the lantern down, flipping through each page, one by one, staring at them as if they were the ones who have disgraced her. In his heart, Namjoon knows that they only add insult to the injury he has inflicted. Even if it’s only for a few moments, the sound of fingers going through paper seems to go on for hours.

_ I’m re-reading your letters _

_ And watching them burn _

Blankness turns into contempt as she turns to him and actually looks, eyes crinkling, the corners of her lips creeping upwards into a painful show of teeth. She takes the lantern again, and they both watch as the flame devours each page, ashes scattering in the wind seemingly surrounding her. Letters flying through the air as the fire seems to grow, not just within the lantern but around them, the walls slowly turning into flames. But there’s no heat, the blaze only seems to grow colder and heavier just as the guilt within him seems to drag him into the ground.

_ I’m watching them burn _

The first Seojin mimics as the white beaded ornament coming loose as she reaches to take one of the letters flying up in the air and clutches it to her chest. Her hair falls into her face, obscuring her eyes as flames crackle around them. His beginning and his present standing in front of him, the girl he fell for and the wife who he came home to, scorned by one summer season affair. By his own weakness and his own fears, he has made a mockery of them, of the courtship that they both patiently fought for and the family that they built their lives on.

_ You published the letters she wrote you _

_ You told the whole world _

_ How you brought this girl into our bed _

_ In clearing your name, you have ruined our lives _

It’s Seojin as he remembers her at their marriage ceremony. Draped in red, blossoms stitched in gold entwining on the sleeves, a thin veil over her nose and mouth. Her eyes are glistening with tears. Unlike their wedding day, these are not tears of joy but of pain. Because what vows of fidelity, of loyalty, of life-long love, could soothe the heart of a broken bride? Namjoon can’t defend himself against her accusations. The flames morph into a figure, one that dances all around him to a sickeningly familiar melody. A figure that he seeked on his own volition, who he allowed himself to hold in her absence. If Seojin was like the cooling water, she was a flickering fire drawing him in and burning him in his foolishness.

_ Heaven forbid someone whisper _

_ “He’s part of some scheme” _

_ Your enemy whispers _

_ So you have to scream _

They circle around him, the girl, the wife and the bride. And for the first time in a very long time, Namjoon fears one of the only people that he never thought he would fear. The sun will rise in the morning, the moon will follow it in the evening and Namjoon will wake up beside Seojin the next morning. That’s how his life is,  _ how his life was.  _ Namjoon lived like that without question, without objection,  _ without appreciation  _ for the woman who married below her station to become the mother of his child. Who gave herself to him for nothing else but the fragile thing they call love. A love that he returned with his own ingratitude. His own selfishness and pride ruined them.

It’s Seojin, the girl he met one spring day, who would go on to be his bride and then his wife that draws close. Her teal blue skirt trailing behind her as she leans close, the accusation is a mere breath in his ear but the weight it puts on his conscience is immense.

_ I know about whispers _

_ I see how you look at my sister _

Perhaps there are times where he regards Taehee and muses about what could have been. A time at the start of their courtship where he only saw both of them as a means of achieving the necessary prestige to get the position that he desired. The flower and the jewel, that’s how the court talked of the two sisters. In times where men prefer their wives to be flowers and their concubines to be jewels, Namjoon promised himself only to the simple sweetness that Seojin offered. Because the glimmer of a gem is deceiving and it only offers sharp edges. Men often forget that flowers can also grow thorns.

_ Don’t. I’m not naive. _

_ I have seen women around you _

_ Don’t. Think I don’t see  _

_ How they fall for your charms, all of your charms _

Words are only as sincere as the speaker’s ability to keep them so.  _ You are and will be the only woman I will give myself to, body and soul.  _ He wrote to her when the constellations were swirling in their eyes.  _ I shall spend the rest of my life with you and you alone and when death comes for me, I shall unite with you once again or await your arrival into my arms.  _ Namjoon remembers professing when she looked at him like he placed every star in the sky on the night they became husband and wife.

_ Seojin, love of my life, mother of my child, I hope you are faring well up North. I hear the air is cooler there in the summer and I hope your father is in good health. Be assured, I think of you every night while I lay in our bed and I long for your sweet company... _ And he sends her such words before he makes his way to the gisaeng’s hall and after returning from there with only shame in his heart. Yet the next day, the cycle continues, he writes to her and lays with another.

_ Let them all wonder how Seojin reacted _

_ When you broke her heart _

_ You have thrown it all away _

_ Stand back, watch it burn _

Seojin is like cooling water. Calm and placid and serene. And it is only by Namjoon’s folly that the water has become a fire that engulfs him in her sorrow. In her anger and her grief. Because he sought a flame in spite of her waters and she had no choice but to become a flame as well. To become the one he chases after she chased him only asking for a fraction of his time when he owed her much more than that. The little that Seojin petitions for was something that he could not give her,  _ would not give her.  _

_ And when the time comes _

_ Explain to our son _

_ The pain and embarrassment _

_ You put his mother through _

Jungkook. Barely 13 and convinced that his father can do no wrong. Namjoon looks at his son and sees everything, sees something greater than himself. When he was in his youth, he had sought to surpass his own father and he knows that one day, Jungkook would be capable of doing the same. He has sullied his son’s future, his own deeds will only become the spirits that will haunt Jungkook even after Namjoon’s death. His son has done nothing wrong yet he will also carry this burden. And Namjoon knows that such burdens cannot ever be erased from the memories of time.

_ When will you learn _

_ That he is your legacy? _

_ We are your legacy _

It’s Seojin’s voice, surrounding him just as the fire does. She emerges out of the flames, an apparition that has Namjoon falling to his knees. Because the color of her hanbok is the ink that he spills on the pages. Small, shimmering chrysanthemums sewn onto black fabric. This Seojin is the nightmare that only plagues Namjoon on the moonless nights when he can find no comfort. For cradled so tenderly in her arms is their son, slowly, torturously, bleeding out, face vacant and pale. The accusation on her face, the way tears stream down silently although her mouth is clenched shut.  _ How could you?  _ They ask him.  _ For all your brilliance, for all wisdom and wit that the gods have bestowed on you, in your mind, the only thing that exists is yourself. You burn, and in your thoughtlessness, you burn us as well. _

Jungkook’s body is limp and lifeless. Unseeing eyes stare right through Namjoon and yet, they  _ stare at him.  _ He’s helpless, only hearing the crackling of the fire, each drop of his only child’s blood hitting the ground. 

_ If you thought you were mine _

_ Mine, mine _

One by one, they part the flames, circling around him once more. An innocent young girl who loved him, a wife who devoted herself to him, a bride who he professed fidelity to and a spectre that he has and will always dread. His past, present and perhaps his future, an undeniably large part of his life that he has destroyed. Namjoon has nowhere to run as they all draw closer. Their anger and their sorrow evident on their faces. The fire burns brighter, beginning to creep up their skirts, burning them and yet their pain is not by the flames but by him and him alone. Namjoon only ignited the inferno that surrounds them as they become ashes. Creeping closer and closer, the blaze beginning to lick at his sleeves. It’s only a matter of seconds before he too, becomes ashes.

_ Don’t _

Eyes snap open and Namjoon bolts up, only to find that there is no fire, only him in his night clothes. The room is silent. The familiar scrolls and desk and ink and brushes bringing him not much comfort. His heart only pounds and pounds, chest heaving as he tries to slow his breathing. He’s tilting his head up to glance through the window. It’s still evening but the moon is beginning to sink under the clouds and Namjoon knows that the sun will rise soon.

The sun will rise in the morning. The moon will follow it in the evening. No amount of soft silk cushions or finely-woven blankets on the pallet he retires to in his study room will make his sleep more restful. 

_ And Namjoon will wake up alone the next morning. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Kuafu - He's a giant in a Chinese tale who wished to capture the sun. Comparative character to Icarus, I changed it because it made more sense for Korean characters to be referencing an Asian myth rather than a Greek one.
> 
> Even though first burn and burn are fundamentally similar songs, I really wanted to go into the nuances of it. This chapter is largely inspired by Emirichu's First Burn: Hamilton Animatic which y'all can watch here. Basically Namjoon is having a wild guilt-induced dream/nightmare.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIXEMCfbasU
> 
> I'm starting a new semester tomorrow so updating of stories will progress at a slower pace. I will try to make up for that by posting more on Twitter. You can follow me on Twitter @siwoowrites, the first two fics of Hamilbang are posted along with visual concepts to go with the story. Still deciding as to whether I'll post the first two chapters of "tales of a poor wife" this week or I'll do it once this fic is completed.
> 
> As always, your feedback is always something that motivates me to continue with my writing. It always takes less time for a reader to leave a kudos or a comment than it does for a writer to write a fic. Pls support your fanfic writers! Thank you!


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